Spiritual Abuse: A Personal Story
It has been a while since I posted anything here. Now two months later, I’ll confess that sometimes I have so much I want to say that I just don’t say anything at all. Some of my passion topics I have posted about already, and yet there is more. Spiritual abuse within churches is one such concern I wrote about in the March 25th post. That was a generic overview. This topic is very personal.
My growing up years were with international-serving missionary parents, so the institution was their life and thus I was the tag-along. I witnessed things that disturbed me even as a child but that I did not understand. Injustices. Fabricated numbers and elaborate stories of “successes” to report back to the head office and to American church congregations who idolized missionaries back in the day. And maybe still to this day? I have since removed myself from that environment. I witnessed other missionaries who were never held accountable for immoral behaviors, or when they were reported, they were hushed, and no charges were filed. Colleagues seemed to pretend things didn’t happen. I will not cite references as this is not a research paper. For those interested, there are articles of *unnamed* agencies’ cover-ups of abuse. There is not just one isolated incident.
Recent events in churches and conventions in the U.S.A. where leaders have abused church members and then kept it covered or “excused”, then resigning without due recourse, have stirred me to speak up. Again you, the reader, may hunt down various accounts; identifying the “who” is not my purpose here.
As you may know from my bio, my first marriage was a partnership in “the church”. Let me clarify a strong distinction in my views, beliefs, and opinions between the institution of church/organized religion and my relationship with God. Those are quite opposite ends of the spectrum of spirituality. I have a relationship with God; it is personal; it sustains me; and I have never wavered in believing His existence…too many personal stories that support why I believe this way. On the other hand, I have developed a strong disdain for the hypocritical organizations that call themselves “church”. For more details, please check out my fledgling podcast “Rose Lewis - Find Your Voice”.
Going through a challenging marriage while being a minister’s wife, mother of four, and a missionary overseas, any requests for help were dismissed. I had no voice. Problems were spiritualized away as there must be something wrong with my relationship with God. My colleagues, well-meaning Christian friends, the people in leadership over me both at the local level and the executive level, were emotionally and spiritually unavailable, suggesting I pray more and be more submissive. Eighteen years later divorce happened. Our family blew up.
Once back in the United States and trying to find footing with four young children, I had no option but to return to my parents’ hometown and church. I continued to experience the hypocrisy of it all. I felt invisible by people I thought were safe people, who would support or understand, or at the least, direct me to getting help. Being “in the church” surrounded by people who I thought believed like I believed, I have never felt lonelier and more ostracized. There was emotional isolation from people I wanted connection with – my only guess was they did not know what to do with a divorced missionary. Adding insult to injury one of the very visible and highly esteemed leaders of the church propositioned me in my vulnerable and confused state of early divorced, single-parenting years. When his inappropriate requests of me were reported to the pastor and chairman of the elders/deacons, my experience was dismissed as a presumably overly-fabricated story, and the perpetrator was quietly released from duties for a season. It was reported from the pulpit that this man “needed some time off for health reasons”. No one in the church was told the truth. I came to learn this was a pattern of this perpetrator and church leaders who covered for him. A few years later this same church and same executive leadership merely excused (no charges filed) another staff person despite his violating young boys at church camp.
It saddens me to say these are not isolated stories. This is not only my story, but the story of many men, women, and children who have been violated in one way or another by so-called respected leaders of a church but because of the power of the leadership, the victims and their families are ridiculed and intimidated into silence. It may be psychological manipulation, spiritual teaching that twists the mind of the learner, or physical violation of one form or another.
Abuse within our “religious” organizations is as real and perhaps more dangerous as in any place of our society . We don’t hear about it as much because the victims are manipulated into keeping the secrets or they are so minimized by shame that they don’t dare to speak up, until maybe decades later, if ever.
Dare I say that the heaviest burden being carried to this day is the partner who is married to a ministry leader who exhibits narcissistic traits. They are trapped, cannot (will not) leave for the sake of the image and the position, so they suffer in deep silence with no one to whom they can expose the truth. May each of you, or those you know, who are living in or have experienced religious/spiritual/church abuse of some form be freed to find your voice and your safety!
